The Art of Selective Listening
By Ric Shriver
I went for my monthly haircut this morning. The nice thing about being “semi-retired” is that I can schedule the monthly haircut on Monday mornings shortly after the hair salon opens. This morning, I was the only customer in the salon which gave the hairdresser ample time to engage in a conversation with me. I asked her if she was the manager of the shop (there was only one other hairdresser present and she was engrossed in her mobile phone). My hairdresser replied “no, but I used to be the Assistant Manager, and I didn’t like it – nothing but headaches. But at least I wasn’t THE manager – I didn’t have to take the heat for things that were not going well!”
“Well, that’s true!” I replied. I just retired this past year from being a manager, and I’m glad for the time that I now have to do what I really love to do, and that’s writing!”
“You’re writing? Writing what?”
I told her that I have written two books and was working on a third one. “What are they about?” she asked.
I replied “leadership.”
“Well let me just tell you, I hope you wrote something about “gaslighting!” I hate it – it’s a very bad thing!”
“Hmm?” I replied. “What does gaslighting mean to you? How have you experienced it?” She struggled with a reply.
“I’m not sure – I just know I don’t like it! I think people gaslight to maintain control,” she continued.
I conveyed to her “well, I did write about gaslighting, and my thought is that people who use gaslighting do it to not only maintain control but also to shore up their own fears and feelings of inferiority.” She decided to change the subject to vacations – I was fine with that. The conversation reminded me that communication between and among individuals can be challenging…and draining! Better to focus on something pleasant.
As we think about the priorities of leadership and managing the outcomes of the enterprise, what comes to mind is the importance of effective communication. Without it, everything comes unglued. As we indicated in Leadership Whack-A-Mole: Actionable Strategies for Leadership Challenges, when communication is not effective “moles” (i.e., problems) pop up when least expected, creating disharmony and conflict and leading to unwanted outcomes for the business. Interpersonal communication can be the most challenging and can often lead to the worst outcomes!
The purpose of effective communication is to ensure understanding and, most importantly, inspire or cause a desired set of actions to achieve well-defined outcomes. We trust that you can look back on initiatives, challenges, or key actions that went well for you because of effective communication and resulted in outcomes that met or exceeded those of the key constituents and stakeholders of the organization. However, if you are like many leaders, there are examples of times when effective communication was lacking, which resulted in undesirable outcomes and damaged relationships.
As we think about communication, we see that it affects almost every aspect of the business. Many associated topics come to mind: team collaboration, productivity, employee engagement, conflict resolution, employee performance feedback and development, organizational alignment, cultural effectiveness, change management, customer service and relations, goal setting, problem-solving, decision-making, workplace safety, and the list could go on and on! The question that perplexes us is, “What is effective communication?” The simple answer is: any communication that results in desired outcomes for the parties involved or affected.
As I reflect on the conversation I had this morning with my hairdresser, I am reminded of one of the worst communication experiences I had during my career. I was a member of an executive leadership team for a large national company. I was sitting with the other members of the executive team reviewing the most recent month-end operating results. At the time we were experiencing some challenging trends with some of our key “people” indicators, and I was feeling quite a bit of pressure to get those indicators back on a positive track. Another member of the executive team, who was known for being outspoken and often without verbal “boundaries”, launched into an aggressive, hostile verbal attack against me and the members of my team, conveying to the rest of the executive team that there was very little accountability for performance and results with our team due primarily to my lack of leadership. The presiding executive for our team acknowledged this individual’s comments by nodding and verbally confirming her/his observations. My ego was damaged. While I controlled my disagreement with the accusations, I was visibly shaken by the attack. Recognizing that I would not win a verbal altercation in the setting that we were in, I sat quietly until the meeting was adjourned. To this day I can still feel the shame I experienced that afternoon, and I still harbor resentment towards the accosting member of the executive team and the executive leader who, without any evidence or further analysis, quickly agreed with the aggressor’s accusations.
As leaders, we will no doubt face hostility and aggression similar to what I have described in the preceding paragraph – it is no fun, and it can damage our self-image and attitude. There are times when negative feedback may be warranted, and we must accept the criticism that is valid with the intent of learning and growing from it. But aggressive, hostile verbal attacks like the one described above are never acceptable, and we should remind ourselves when tempted, to refrain from such hostility. The type of aggressive, demeaning verbal attack described above is “gaslighting” and does not deserve to be taken seriously. Let it bounce off your conscious mind, recover, and go on!
